Life

Well, here I am. I stand in hope and yet feel and overwhelming sense of urgency. It's an urgency for change--change in my heart, change in the way I think, change in what goes on around me, change in the people who need love the most. Sometimes I don't care, but I do. There is a deep compassion impressed upon my heart. My daddy's love fills me until I can't contain it anymore and I have nowhere to let it out. But I do, of course. I just don't always make the choice to love. I need to be like Jesus--it wasn't so much of a choice for him--it was just who He was. If He is love, I am also called to be love. I feel Him chasing me down. Sometimes He catches me and holds me close. It is the most safe feeling in the world, as He covers my head and presses it gently but firmly to his chest, as He bends down and kisses me. I am safe and dearly loved in the folds of His garments and in His strong arms. I am holding onto Him, and sometimes I start to let go, but I can't. He won't let me. He doesn't want me to give up on Him, and I won't, for He has not given up on me. He is so good, proving himself faithful once again and exposing the ridiculousness of my own doubts. I could never doubt His goodness, and yet I do becuase I have reduced him into my futile mind. This is where the change must come. This is where the humbling must take place. For I have been chosen, and I don't know exactly why, but I am beyond thankful for this commission. And all that matters is that He delights in me. I will hence live for Him and delight myself in who He is. This is my greatest joy. May I not fall into the overwhelming sea of emotions that try to steal my hope for a brighter day and a renewed life. For He has overcome all in me.

My Generation (a song)

I can feel the desperation
Seeping through my pores at night.
I can hear my generation
Hopelessly dying in their plight.

I can sense anticipation
Growing stronger in my veins
I know there's a visitation
Coming down to heal the pain

Hearts are breaking
Hands are shaking
People searching
For true life
Desperation
Is our motivation
To deny
Tormenting lies

I can't get you off my mind
For you're the only one who died
To save a people lost and blind
Children of a Father who is kind

I'm cryin'
I'm pleadin'
I'm screamin'
Oh come inside!
For my
Generation
Is hungry
For yourlife!

So, for those of you who read this and want to know, I just felt I should share a bit of what God has been doing in my life in the past months and now. Think of it as a "pause and reflect" moment. Wow, where do I start? God is taking me on a journey. It's a journey that require much trust, faith, hope, you know, all of those believing type virtues. Many times I find myself not able to see past what's in front of me. It's like there is a wall there, and all I can do is follow God blindly and trust that He knows what He's doing. I tend to try to take things into my own hands, even without trying. I want to be in control. I want to know what's going on, I want to know what my future looks like, I want to change what I don't like about my life, and sometimes I even think I can keep myself from getting sick, that I can control my own body. But no, I find I have failed at all these things, because trying doesn't work. I am learning to let go. At times it seems a slow process. At this point in time I don't even know everything I am holding onto. But God shows me things bit by bit and is helping me to give them up. New freedom comes every time and a burden is lifted. I've realized how many burdens I carry that I was never meant to carry. Christ's yoke is easy and his burden is light, and that's a promise, one that I don't always believe. Along with all of this, God is revealing his heart to me more and more and filling me with new passions I have never felt before. There are moments when I can see people at least a little bit the way He does, and my heart breaks. There is this longing in me to reach these people, to just show them, somehow that God loves them relentlessly, just like He loves me. That's another thing--this past year God's love has relentlessly pursued me, even when I was not looking for it, even in those times of despair where I felt like I could never change or I wasn't bold enough or I just wasn't living like I wanted to--God's love brings all that into perspective. He picks me back up and tells me He's proud of me and sends a little word of encouragement through a person or whatever, and then He tells me that He's rooting for me--actually, that all of Heaven is rooting for me! Now that's a picture! I know I am in a training season, and I think it won't end anytime soon. And even though a lot of times I feel like I'm losing ground, I think there's a lot I don't see. And I think there is more hope than I realize. I'm gonna keep holding on, because I'm in love with God and He has so much He has commissioned me to do, and I want to do it, with all my heart. Right now, I've got to stay humble and broken and keep trusting him to take me on this journey, even when I can't see that far ahead of me.